Sex and the Single Teacher part 3: Women Seeking Men

For those of you just joining us, welcome to the internet dating experiment. I'm not a woman, but I play one on my blog. The ads are facetious- I just wanted a peek into the mentality of the internet dating world. The last one, Men seeking Women, yielded typical results, that of fake women trolling for my email address, trying to get me to shell out for booty photos. And so, let us see what happens when we juxtapose the genders.


WOMEN SEEKING MEN (Casual Encounters Section)

The Advert:

Seeking to Discipline-30 Strong, professional woman, PhD, independent and self-actualized seeks SWM who needs a little “discipline”. BBW, 6’7”, confident, and 2 months pregnant. I choose this for myself and have no need for someone to be a stand-in for a Baby Daddy. The hormones are kicking in, however, and I need someone to fill me up. I am a dominant searching for a submissive- you must earn your way into the Promised Land. Your pic gets mine. No penis photos.

RESPONSE #1:

Not even 5 minutes after posting, I get my first response, the subject line reading

HOT HUNG ITALIAN SUB

Which is awesome, as it only needs four letters removed to sound like a Jimmy John’s Sandwich Special. He’s been kind enough to not directly show me his goods, but close e-goddam-nough. But, hey, I’m a lady, I get to bide my time and choose- I don’t need to reply just yet.

RESPONSES #2-8

All within 10 minutes of posting, one guy from his iPhone. Jesus, who the fuck trolls craigslist ads from their phone?

Clearly, I’m going to have weed out a few of my suitors out of the dating pool, pull the plug on their sprinklers, so to speak. I’m also worried that they might make me if I don’t change my email. So time to set up a new address. I’m going with the tag
Mistresshelga67. I think it’s cute.

RESPONSES #9- 87 Kajillion

There really are too many. Still, though, this dominatrix thing is great, every response, while completely perverted, retains a gentlemanly ambiance. If I were a 6’7” BBW PhD, I’d definitely consider my dominatrix options. There are quite a lot of requests for face-sitting, plus, every 5th guy or so complements me on my pregnancy. A few choice quotes:

“I want you to sit on my face and dominate me, use me as your sex slave like the filthy man-whore I am. Make lick your asshole around and around, tease me with you breast and pump my cock with your hand. Let me know.Sorry for the long email, I sort of got carried away:)”

“Make lick”? Sorry, dude, points off for bad grammar.

“Your(sic) 6 ft 7inches? Thats(sic) hot.”
Don’t I know it, sweetie. Mistress Helga needs you to use your apostrophes.

“Young guy ready to serve your every need. Big foot fetish and would love to have you facesit on me. No strings attached you Dom me sub action”
-Sent from my iPhone

You shouldn’t be able to send this from your iPhone. Drunk-dialing is a scary enough prospect.

“I won’t bore you with stories of my sexual prowess or the enormity of my cock – although I have been told both are impressive.”

Eh. You just did.

“I would be happy to fulfill your needs during your time of your pregnancy.(btw - congtrats!). I don't know the details but would love to chat. I'm sane, d&d free, considerate. However, I'm nowhere near 6-7, hope that's not a problem.”

Hey, dude, you win points for the ‘congrats’, although check your spelling. Don’t get hung up on the height thing- Mistress Helga knows she Kicks Ass.

“Pls know that i am not a CL faker or BS artist. Not a hustler or a game player.”

Yea, yea, No one is if you ask them. Shit, watch this- “I am not a CL faker.” See how easy that was, and yet, how untrue?

“…want you to sit on my face and dominate me….”

Always with the face-sitting. Do these people understand I’m 6’7”? I could hurt somebody.

“…limits are scat, underage and permanent marks.”

Uggh. As least we share limits. Isn’t ‘scat’ used for other species? Does this mean human feces are OK?

“serving as a maid?”

Did I SAY maid? Do your homework.

“Good afternoon, hope you are well. Would you be up for someone to worship your feet? Are you really 6'7" or is that a typo?”

See, at least he read the ad. Did I mention at least 1/3 of these fellas are into the foot fetish? Why is that? Feet mostly just stink.

“Hi there, my name is J*** and I am 25 and live downtown in the financial district. I am 5’10’’ in good shape and am exceedingly well endowed. I have long maintained a fascination with slightly more mature women – and find that they make the best lovers.”

‘Slightly more mature?’ I’m only 30, for fuck’s sake. Thumbs down.

“Dr. Mistress I saw your advertisement I am a foot shorter than you and require your pregnant discipline.”

I’m pregnant. The discipline is not.

“I am highly experienced with most areas of bondage, dominance and submission. As a male Dom, I have enjoyed giving corporal punishment, such as spankings and floggings and general torture since 1980.”

An Established Mom and Pop Spanking. Thank goodness for Olde Tyme Values.


You would think the most disturbing thing about this little experiment would be how easily I found myself slipping into the role of the Dominatrix, and it was sort of spooky. We all should be able to vote for who we want to be reincarnated as, ‘cause I definitely found my calling. Still, though, this is difficult. Is this what women go through all the time? I feel like I’m rummaging through a pile of half-assed resumes, written with crayon and smattered with coffee-stain rings, such is the quality and care of the responses. Are all men this clumsy? Am I?

Another disturbing aspect is that I’m starting to feel a little guilty, like a tease. I’m not sure if I should or not- this is really an ad calling out for some fantasy role playing, and aren’t I providing a service, some fodder for this, albeit mostly for my own amusement? For this reason, I don’t email any of the more carefully rendered responses back, as I don’t want them to get their hopes up. I email back a few poorly written ones, the guys who don’t put in a lot of effort, and the small dialogue doesn’t bear mentioning. Well, there was one guy who was going to cook up a meal, and I started to get interested in the prospect, having him design a menu and everything, before ducking out, remembering that I am not, in fact, a dominatrix, and he’d almost certainly kick 17 types of shit out of me if he found out all his efforts were for a currently underemployed snarky blogger.

Really, the most disturbing part is how goddamn NORMAL all these guys look. A few I’m imagining I even recognize (isn’t that Chuck from East Quad, back in college? Wow, he’s a lawyer now.) I’m not going to be able to leave the house without looking at the bank tellers suspiciously. Oh fuck, that’s not true. I’m a man myself, been one my whole life, and I know we are all pigs. This is no surprise. I fear, though, I’m going to have problems if I continue the logical extension of this experiment. Soon it will be, as my homosexual buddy likes to say, “time to be getting’ gay.” It’ll be bad enough to try and pretend to be a gay man, but it’s the lesbians who are gonna make me, I’m sure of it.

COMING SOON: Men Seeking Men