The Summer Re-Runs Part 4: Sex and the Single Teacher- THE SEQUEL

This is part 2 of the project, and re-reading it, I do remeber that I posted it before. There were, um.....consequences. Let us leave it at that. Enjoy.


I know I promised CoffeeMating (ed. note- this is a relic from the original first post- ignore it.), but the newest foray into the world of online dating bears mentioning, even recognition as its own inning. I’ve been out of the sport for a while- I’m rusty. I was thrust back in recently, though, and feel it calls for details. First, though, so I’d thought we could do some…

PRE-GAME COMMENTARY:

First off, the problem with even doing a blog is that other people read it and get ideas. Actually, that is false. The real problem with doing a blog is the fact that, while no one reads it, EVER, you can delude yourself into thinking that you have expressed your feelings to the World, and the World will respond accordingly, with full knowledge that your musings are the center of everybody else’s World and that you can be self-referential with full confidence that all the World-shaking topics you write about are directly routed to the electronic billboard in Times Square, and that all New Yorkers, and indeed the World, are on pins and needles about the trauma you suffered when you missed your Triscuit® with your aerosol Cheez-Whiz® snack bottle, ruined your brand-new Etnies® sneakers, and chose to share your pain with us all, via post.

That being said, I need to be self-referential for a minute. Earlier, I had spoke of the time when, while online ‘dating’, one of my roommates caught me in the act (jeez, it sounds like I was masturbating or something) and commandeered my laptop, in order to ‘date’ on my behalf ( see “On Sex and the Single Teacher’, in, of course, the blog). Unfortunately, my other former roommate Eve actually read this. She is also in the business of online dating, and was thrilled for the opportunity to coach me through the process, i.e., get online and date on my behalf. I should say that, despite how much fun it is to make light of this, she had my full acquiescence, as I was glad for someone who could offer insight into the mysteries and foibles of this complex romance playground, the “virtual-flirting” simulacrum, if you will.

(I don’t know that I really used the world ‘simulacrum’ correctly, but it was fun to do. Considering I had to look up the word on the Internet to make sure I spelled it correctly, I’m guessing no.)

I should first precede the situation with some background. I had sort of let the online dating thing fall by the wayside for a hot minute. While writing about it is fun, subjecting yourself to it can be a bit exhausting, and I was ready to let it lie for a while. Valentine’s Day was coming up (in fact, it was yesterday), and, well, I didn’t want to be the sad sap who buys into the ‘single=unhappy’ paradigm of American romance. I figured, as I have- even when in relationships- that it is really a Hallmark Holiday, and any undue dwelling would only needlessly get me down, and for really stupid reasons.
I was fine with this, and had forgotten all about my weird project, to the point that it resided in an obscure folder somewhere on the desktop of my computer. I happened upon it some months later, and decided, “What the hell, this is pretty funny actually, why not post it?”

Mistake.

Eve is my friend as well as my Friendster, and she actually took the time to read my musings. I was taking a vacation soon, and by the time I arrived in Texas, where she lives and I was visiting, we sort of happened upon a similar intention. We decided to go shopping for a date for me. Now we need to get into the second part of tonight’s pre-game program, the…

STRATEGY ANALYSIS FROM THE EXPERTS:

Like most self-help books, Eve’s plan for finding true love is remarkably simple. I don’t remember where I read this, but a dietician once remarked that his plan for weight loss could be boiled down to half a page, and-even more so- “eat right, exercise, don’t smoke.” He said he just added graphs, diagrams and helpful hints so that he could sell it as a book, rather than a pamphlet.
Like most American consumers, I also need things to be spelled out for me, even though I think I know them anyway. And, like most things we all know, I have placed more importance in constructing a well thought out plan than in actually executing it, which may explain why things went so poorly. It’s like the damn gym- every winter I sign up for a YMCA membership, grab all the pool, gym and fitness-class schedules, highlight all the things I plan to attend, tape all the schedules to my wall for easy access every morning, write out detailed plans, and, ultimately, never go, with the exception of visiting the sauna so that, while sweating, I can feel like I exerted effort.

That being said, may I present Eve’s amazingly simple guide for finding true love, entitled:

“HOT MAMAS WANT EMPATHY” (Copyright 2006, Eve T., All Rights Reserved)

The Amazingly Simple 3-Point Plan For On-Line Dating Success Goes Thusly:


1: Study what your potential hook-up (my phrase, not hers) is interested in, and Ask a Question about It.

2. Give a Compliment about Something/Anything

3. Find a Connection about Something that You Do/Are interested in, and something they Do/Like.


Now, you would figure that, with shit spelled out as clearly as this, I could have at least minor success. Things didn’t go as entirely badly as I’m about to paint, but, on the by and large, I sort of fucked up some very simple instructions. I’ll get to the play-by play later, but for now I need to step out of linear sequence and introduce the….

POST-GAME INTERVIEW WITH THE LOSER:

Let me state the obvious: men and women are different.

That is not to say that communication can’t happen, and problems can be overcome. Let us take, for example, my struggles with the concept of empathy.

I know what empathy means. By that, I mean I can quote the dictionary definition. As opposed to sympathy, which, from what I am told, means extending feelings of sorrow, remorse, joy, enthusiasm, etc, from a sort of self-centered standpoint, empathy is, from what I’ve read, allowing yourself to put yourself in the other persons shoes, to imagine and feel the emotions of the person who you are concerned about, to allow the depth of their emotion to sway you. It is to essentially volunteer yourself to feel some of the pain/joy/worry they might be feeling in their situation in order to better understand what they are going through so that you can open up real, rather than superficial, channels of communication. And you hope that they will do this for you when you are down/up/confused- this is why we have friends.

I think the difference is that men can’t always say this. Not easily or freely, or probably at the core of the problem, verbally, which makes us look clumsy and unfeeling.

When Eve asked me what I liked about responses to my dating inquiries, I said, and I quote:

“I like it when they stroke my ego.”

I mean, it is true, I think everyone likes to hear about how cool they are, but after that fell out of my mouth, I figured I was up for a predictable-cliché-of-the year-award. I felt like a Typical Man.

Thank the powers that be for Eve and her ability to interpret dumb-boy speak. She patiently explained to me that, as opposed to what I was thinking- that my preference for women who would say really cool things about how great I was - might actually mean that I like women that invest effort to interpret who I might be and, if they found that interesting, would try to relate in some fashion that would make it easy for me to start a conversation.

I like when people rationalize my self-centeredness for me.

I understood her point and I thought it might be wise to adopt her philosophy. I was still feeling new to this, however, and I thought it would be prudent to try and borrow her playbook for the duration of the game. We were caught up in the spirit of the moment, and when I asked for permission to mimic her brain-patterns, she spiritedly acquiesced, even enthusiastically.

Mistake.

I was having problems thinking with Eve’s brain ( her ‘playbook’ so to speak), rather than my own. I’m used to mine, it’s comfortable, if not entirely efficient. I can’t say that I was put-off or really unnerved while trying to use Eve’s brain- her empathy is real, and I felt safe with the loaner brain she gave me- she trusted me to use it, and, of course I would be delicate and careful, as it wasn’t mine and didn’t want to damage it, as boys are apt to do sometimes. It was just sort of unfamiliar territory, kind of like learning a new public transportation system. All the rules were the same, but the directions were very different.

I have to be self-blog-referential again. Please forgive me. I never thought I’d say this, but I sort of long for the Yahoo! ‘Ice-breakers’, the pre-written one line greetings. They say shit like “you have a wonderful smile, let’s talk.” Or “I find you fascinating, maybe we should strike up a dialogue” or any such bullshit cheesy one liners that I found so easy to use during the first phase of this project. Granted, they are hokey, but at least you can’t really be held accountable for what they say. Friendster ‘smiles’ are different- you can attach a message of your own composition, and that, I think, ended up being my downfall. As you can peruse someone’s profile, and the profiles are more detailed than on Yahoo, It is generally expected that you have found something interesting about the person- you can’t just say any old thing. You have to seem interested and empathetic.

I need to make a disclaimer here. In the same way that I claim that certain things I have posted are ‘fiction’, so that if and when my mother comes across them she can write-off the unsavory parts, I would like to categorize the following one-liners that I sent as “co-authored”, by Eve and I. In this way I can claim credit for anything charming that I may have inadvertently wrote down, as well as disregard anything possibly not-so-charming, as something she came up with. The reality is, I was in fully part of this, and, in fact, probably most were actually written by me. And, as I am wont to do, I’m making this look more ridiculous than it actually was (I hope….maybe not.) Possibly I will get the scold for this, and rightfully so, but I’m hoping Eve will find it in her heart to forgive me and take one for the team on this one; the team, of course, being me.


Before I expose my folly, I need to tell you about the one-liners that I sent. These may not make immediate sense, as you have had to have read the same profiles that I did to know what I was referencing. That being said, here is an actual list of the actual ‘smiles’-and accompanying one-liners- I sent out to various folks. Despite my obvious self-interest in this project, I like to imagine that I am doing this for The People, a stalwart soldier on the front lines of internet dating. It’s a load of tosh, I know, but humor me and consider this a public service if you will; feel free to use any or all of these magnificent one-liners at your favourite watering hole (the subtext shrieking, Not at all, EVER). You will probably have the same amount of success that I did. Remember these are ACTUAL THINGS that I said to ACTUAL PEOPLE.


STRIKES 1-8: A Poor Inning.

1. “Hey! What do you like most about fire escapes?”
2. “Hello, Nice Mustachio!” (note: this was a female)
3. “It’s a shame that I didn’t make the casting call for your movie, because I just found my 1983 adidas track shorts, and I was ready for it.”
4. “What do you know about bats that most people wouldn’t?”
5. “I like your pictures of empty lots.”
6. “Doilies.”
7. “Great to meet another gangsta-biker-teacher!!!!”
8. “Have you actually been trout fishing, or is it all just for show?”

Ahem. Um…yea. I don’t think there is much more I can do to defend myself here. Let’s move on.

POST-GAME SHOW: AN ANALYSIS OF STRATEGY FLAWS

Ok, first “doilies”.

After a few hours of perusing profiles, and after my brain was a little wrecked from trying to empathize with a brain other than my own, and I was feeling a little spent. We plugged on, though, following our original plan about numbers- the more feelers out there, the better. After the 35th or so profile, I couldn’t think of anything to say and Eve just said,

“Write the first thing that comes to your mind.”

I know I’m impulsive, and I understand that it occasionally causes me problems, and that I should probably think before I act sometimes. But, well, you get a directive sometimes, and you go with it. The first thing I thought of was a doily, the knit white lace tea cozy that grandmothers bring out for tea, and so I typed it in to the message box and sent it before she could nay-say. Man, I got the scold for this. My argument was that it was random, non-committal and relatively inoffensive. Initially, she didn’t agree, but after discussion, she did admit that this probably wasn’t as bad as typing in “heavy breathing” and hitting the send button. I’m a goofball, but I’m not a pervert. Unless you specifically request it, anyway.

As for “gangsta-biker-teacher”, well, while I’d be pretty hard-pressed to call myself a gangsta, I do bike and I do teach. I think it seemed sort of cute to roll all of these up-into-one at the time, but if I also recall correctly, this woman had upwards of 40% of her skin covered in tattoos. It could be I am making assumptions, but somehow I think it may be possible that she wasn’t looking for ‘cute’. I guess some women just aren’t looking for twoo wuv.


At the end of this all, like the last outing, I still have on strike left, count being 3 and 2. I’ve saved the first one for Coffeemating, but this round I can’t count as a washout yet. I did get one reply, from someone that I didn’t send an actual written message to. It should be noted that you actually can send an empty message, a ‘smile’ icon without text. It should also be noted that one of the few responses I did get was one in which I sent only a smile. Apparently, when I open my actual electronic mouth, it serves as an impediment.

Duh.

At any rate, she plays the tuba, which I feel should be a plus in anyone’s book, but that might just be me. I wish I could say that this counts as a base hit, but, as I didn’t even swing (i.e. send an initial message), I have to count it as a walk. She, as the pitcher in this case, must have decided that this here batter was interesting enough to throw a lob to. She actually agreed to meet for tea, so now we’re on to the face-to-face shit. It’s time for the inevitable

LUNATIC LITMUS TEST, in which you have to actually speak to someone in real-time, so they can discern whether or not you are a maniac. Blue means basic, and benign. Pink means volatile, an acidic personality, I suppose. I’d better brush up on my actual social skills, as I have a sneaking suspicion I might turn up pink.