Sex and the Single Teacher part 3: Men Seeking Women

There was never meant to be a part 3.

I was supposed to be hitched, done, out of the pool, dried off, re-clothed, outside the YMCA and reading the New York Times in a coffee and bagel store.

Now I’m single again, and I’m not at all used to the idea. They say it takes half the time of the relationship you were in to get over it, and so I’ve probably got a while. Still, though, one must make hesitant steps towards moving on, and so I’m scrolling through the Women Seeking Men ads, not because I intend to contact anyone, but because, well, I guess I can now.

They are exactly what you would expect.

There is much talk of theatre, an interest in actually leaving the house, eating food, long walks, soulful overtones injected into mundane and inoffensive activities. They are generic, hesitant, a broad net cast in hopes of catching any fish, and perhaps a fear of sounding exclusive and opinionated.

Others are specific, a laundry list of requirements, each bullet point telling containing its own story of failures past. They don’t want ‘game players’, they do want honesty, you have to be OK with a kid, a weight problem, an STD. Its remarkably efficient and honest, the new dating scene, but many of these people go too far. I’m short- should I be ruled out over a serial adulterer? He can lie- I can’t grow 2 extra inches.

Still, though, one I find amusing. I couldn’t find it again if I tried, but it’s sort of blasting the whole notion of specificity, and concurrently, generic taglines. This woman says something to the tune of “ …And why do you all say you like long walks on the beach? That’s why I don’t go to the beach anymore. Too damn many of y’all, walking around aimlessly, pretending you like Jazz and theatre and moonlit nights. You aren’t that sensitive. You’re men, just be men.”

Something like that anyway.

I email her, I tell her I think her ad is funny, and she replies, and goes on a little more about how all the ads are too damn specific.

This resonates with me, and I come up with a plan.

The problem with summers off is that all the stupid ideas that cross your brain in a day….well, you have time to execute them. I have no intention of going on a Craigslist date at the moment, but the notion of the uber-specific ad is funny to me, and so I decide to post.


MEN SEEKING WOMEN

The Advert:

OPEN MINDED GENTLEMAN-35

You: Between 5’6”- 5’7 1/2”, brunette (chestnut w/red highlights preferred), weight range of 115-125, Stanford educated, olive complexion, Virgo w/Sagittarius rising, divorced for no less than 2 years, left leg ½” shorter than right, w/mild scoliosis, in search of LTR, SAA, SWM, OPP, FCC, VIP and EPA.

Me: Into long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, opera (because sensitive men love the opera), travel, food (not for consumption), communication, light body hair, excessive ear wax. You must be OK with this.

NO: Trannies, lefties( southpaws OR communists), fatties, Ford drivers, flag-burners, knitters, walkers, eaters, sleepers or game players. Sorry, but that’s just how I feel.

Must posses own Segway.

Now, I don’t really expect anyone to reply unless they get the joke. Still I get a couple replies, generically written, mentioning nothing about the ad. I’m clearly not a Mensa candidate, but I can tie my own shoes, and it requires a similar IQ to see where this is going. If these are even real people, they are baiting me, trying for my email address, gearing up to flood my inbox with Viagra offers, penis pumps, whatever. I can’t complain- am I not baiting them as well? I figure the polite thing to do is reply. You know, start some discourse. See if they bite. I use an old email account, one infected with penis pill adverts some years ago. See? I can even button my shirt up correctly if you give me a couple of tries.

RESPONSE #1:

To: Clarence Bean
From: Filia Alida

Hey, My name is filia, I just found your post on craigslist. Just to let you know some stuff about me, I just turned 28 last month, and i?ve lived here for three months. It's hard to find a good man now a days. So i thought i'd try craigslist. If you are interested in getting to know me.. shoot me an email. Talk to you soon

To: Filia Alida
From: Clarence Bean

Filia,

Thank you for responding to my ad. My questions for you are:

How tall are you? I have requirements.

Do you like food?(not for consumption)

Are you in possession of a Segway?

Hope to hear from you soon,

Clarence Bean.

PS. I sincerely hope you are a human being, and not a penis enlargement tablet. I would be crushed.

To: Clarence Bean
From: Filia Alida

Whassup, S*****? (Ed. Note: she figured out my real name from my email address. I feel like I’ve just been made, but I press on nonetheless) want to take a break from what youre(sic) doing? I just logged into my cam site, if you want to have a little fun. Let me know if youre(sic) interested, ill check back in a few cutie

To: Filia Alida
From: Clarence Bean

My Goodness.

Filia, I am heartened that you are a real person, and not a tablet. I'm so lonely. What is a 'cam site'? I surely would like to have a little fun. Do you like Segways? This is what I consider the penultimate of fun. Did you know that most people use the word 'penultimate' incorrectly? It does not mean ‘ultimate', but a sort of secondary 'ultimate'. I hope you know the difference. No matter, I am willing to make an exception for you. Perhaps this 'cam site' will be the ‘ultimate.’

I wait with bated breath ( not 'baited,' that is for fishing),

Clarance Bean AKA s*****

End of Correspondance.

RESPONSE #2

To: Clarence Bean
From: Mary Stewart

Hey I'm Mary and I dig your post. I will send you a pic a little later I don't have one on this computer at the moment. Get back to me on marysparanoidagain**@gmail.com because I've been missing mail from people that I know on this one lately, something about getting mixed up in the junk folder. Cya.

To: Mary Stewart
From: Clarence Bean

Dear Mary Stewart,

Thank you so much for your reply. My initial reaction was that of wonderment- could you be related to Martha? While I respect Martha, I would have to politely decline correspondence. Martha is white, and, as you know, I am looking for an olive-skinned lady.

It was your command of foreign languages that clued me in, however, that you might be of a dusky hue. Of what cultural persuasion is the word "Cya"?

I would like to "Cya" ;)

At any rate, I do hope you own a Segway- perhaps we can go riding soon.

Scoliosis? No matter, I am willing to make an exception for you. Possibly, we can put an elevated pump on just one foot. Like Cinderella, only ethnic.

Don't worry, I am paranoid, too.

Sincerely,

Clarence Bean, AKA s******

PS I sincerely hope you are a live person and not a tablet that counteracts erectile dysfunction. I would be so disappointed. I look forward to your 'pic'.

To: Clarence Bean
From: Mary Saunders

Hello, thanks for getting back to me. Do you have pics? I'd love if we
could chat a bit before meeting up because you never know about people
from the net these days! You should check out my pic on
amateurdatingonline.com it is pretty hot. My profile is hottbod2. I
would send it through here but I don't have any pics of me on this
computer yet. Anyways, let me know what you think and when a good time
to chat is for you. Later babe! Xo

To: Mary Saunders
From: Clarence Bean

Never know about people from the net these days INDEED.

OK Mary "SAUNDERS"- don't think I didn't notice your clever ploy to unobtrusively change your last name. I'll bet you ARE related to Martha Stewart, and are merely seeking to conceal it.

You are making me paranoid, Mary.

You probably don't even speak Cya.

Still, though, I'm exited that you have a hotbod2, as described in your email. Are your legs the same length?

Hoping to hear from you,

Clarence Bean.


End of Correspondence

The stupidest thing about all this is while I know these people (sic) aren’t reading a word I say, I’m beginning to look forward to their emails, which sort of smacks of pathetic. OK, perhaps not ‘sort of’. I think I need a new approach- I'm beginning to sound like that guy, you know, what's-his-name who writes all the letters.

And so, a little reflection.

Truth be told, humans aren’t really all that different from the rest of the animal kingdom. I think most men would be happy to connect their testicles to a sprinkler head and let the semen rip, hoping to impregnate something, anything. Women are left holding umbrellas, so to speak. The biggest complaint from the ladies’ ads I read on craigslist is a proliferance of penis photos, something I’m not so sure I want to see myself. But, in the nature of scientific inquiry, let’s give it a shot. This is a learning process, and how could I not give equal time to all genders if I'm claiming due scientific process? I’m going to have to make this next one a little more believable, though.

COMING SOON: Women Seeking Men.